Change.

There’s something about the way she looks at me that has me going weak at the knees and heartbroken at the same time.

She’s so beautiful, it hurts. 

What hurts more is how painfully oblivious she is to the very fact. And how nothing I ever do can convince her otherwise.

Actually, that’s not true. I think what hurts the most is how she wants, no, needs me, but I don’t know how to help her. She’s withering away before my very eyes; receding, disappearing within herself, and it wrenches my heart to watch her so hopelessly lost. 

I can see it in her eyes.

She’s lost all hope, even the optimism she was known to hold on to every time things went awry. All of it, gone. I don’t know what to do. It’s been a while since she’s been this way, but lately she’s been declining at a rapid pace. 

I fear I will lose her.

We made love the other day. At least, I think we did. She had a faraway look on her face. It seemed different. She acted different, felt different. We were different. Something didn’t quite feel right. 

But of course it didn’t feel right, you blithering fool.

You lost her the day she was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Terminal. No hope for a cure. How could you believe her when she said nothing would change? 

She was going to die. Of course everything was going to change.

And as the doctor walked towards me with what had to be the most melancholic of expressions I’d ever seen on any doctor, I feared it already had.

-×-

Started a little after 4:50 am, I should think. Been having trouble sleeping. Nausea and pain is… not exactly my thing, even after almost two years of living with it now. 

I’ve got a question for those who may dare to venture an answer:

What is worse; embodying the person people expect you to be, or failing everyone’s expectations for you? 

Love, Sky.

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Inevitably.

She was lost in thought, that much he could tell. He could almost feel the cogs in her brain turning and moving back and forth, at an almost manic sort of pace. 

She looked as if she was faraway. 

She might as well have been, because he didn’t know what it was she was thinking about. Before, he might’ve thought that she was wondering about what to do about her assignment’s deadline at the job, or how to care for their dog now that they were moving to a place that didn’t allow pets, or maybe even what to make for dinner that night.

But the truth was that he knew better than that. 

Or maybe that just went on to say just how less he actually knew her, but truth be told, she wasn’t an easy person to know. Actually, she was the most difficult and complicated person he had ever stumbled across in his relatively short and inconsequential life. 

He loved her, and she knew that. On some level, she probably reciprocated his feelings. But she was such a difficult book to read, and every time he tried to, he felt like he was trying to decode an otherworldly language of which he knew nothing about.

She finally took notice of him, just him; standing with his back to the wall, eyebrows scrunched together, a gentle worriness in his eyes. His mouth was slightly turned downwards, as if he was thinking of things to say but had nothing to start with. 

Worrying never looked good on him, she knew that since the day she met him. The way his face lit up when he was happy, or something close to it, was something she could see every waking moment of every day for the rest of her days and not get tired of.

He was the best thing that had happened to her, and she knew she didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve what she had to offer; no, he was so pure, so innocent, so good.

She was nothing but the inevitable darkness that would one day swallow him up and spit him out, to be forever changed and irreparable. 

How could she put him through that?

-×-

I wanted this to have a more definite train of thought than the amorphous shit I typed, but I just needed to write. God, it’s been so fucking long since I wrote something. 

-Sky.

Injustice.

People. 

You would like to believe that they are black and white, but they are not; not really. 

You find some pinks, some yellows, some blues, some greens – people are never just black and or white. They are a myriad of the dazzling colors of the rainbow – vibgyor, roygbiv. Or perhaps a toned down grey, amongst the more dreary end of the spectrum–but never just black and white.

They are puzzles, riddles; waiting to be solved. Waiting to be unmystified. Waiting to be understood. Waiting to be dexterously thumbed through by your gentle hands, trembling as they handle the pages of your intricacies with surprising delicacy. 

Or not. They are also perfectly content with being the fifty thousand pieces three dimensional puzzle of the continent of Westeros which always sits on the shelf, never to be bought.

People are complex. And they are beautiful. And maybe this is romanticising the human species, glorifying them beyond what they truly deserve. 

But I cannot help it, because if I fail, if I don’t do this, I could never even get close to doing justice to the amazingly beautiful human being that you are. 

And that, is an injustice in itself. 

-x-

Since I hadn’t posted in a while, and as WordPress kept telling me I had unpublished drafts, I decided to edit and publish this one. I don’t remember when or why I wrote this. I do like this for some reason, so I’m making do with it. 

Love,

Sky xoxo.

New Year/New Things.

Happy new year to all of you. May this year bring all your wishes and dreams come true, and fill your life with eternal joy.

hnyhny

I do not have a huge new year’s resolution. I just want to give my best to everyone and everything. However, my focus is currently on studying for my finals. After that is done, college stuff. I will have time to write more then, and I look forward to buying and reading lots of books.

What are your new year resolutions?

With love, Sky xoxo.

Personality Development?

As is usually the case (at least I hope so) with my posts, the heading for today will make itself clear as you read on. The existence of the interrogative is to make it abundantly clear that I personally am clueless as to whether this was actually the case or not.

Well, this is a rather surprising post, for a number of reasons. I fear this will make me look extremely stupid, but you know, what with all of the things I do and say in real life and from things I have posted here in the past, it probably won’t come as too big a shock.

This is going to be sort of important, but not too much, because this isn’t much of a revelation, more like a bringing myself up to speed on things I actually have an opinion on. Does that make sense? I fear it doesn’t. Oh, well.

Okay, so just a couple of days ago (more like weeks), I stumbled across the complete list of tumblr genders and this kinda blew my mind for a number of reasons. Not only was I was amused by how detailed this was, I was also finding it a little difficult that people actually are okay with this. I mean, I knew that a vast majority of them considered this absolute and utter bullshit (which is how I discovered that such a thing even existed in the first place), but the rest of them must’ve been slightly okay with this for it to even be in existence. And that is where I kind of look like an asshole.

I know how I have talked about how I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I currently am, and that is not untrue. But when I stumble across things like these, I cannot help but snort derisively at what people come up with. I know I can probably try and make myself feel better by simply falling back on the one solid foolproof belief I have that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I know that is not the kind of person I want to be, you know? I want to be accepting and kind and extremely fucking supportive for whoever desires my support, but I lack there and it makes me feel bad.

I think a big part of why I find this kind of stupid, is because the only concept of gender I have ever known is the sex you were born with. That has been one of the main (read: only) criteria for judging gender since practically forever, and that is why it has mostly never struck me that you can feel a different gender than the one slapped upon you at the time of your birth because of the kind of reproductive system you possessed upon commencement into human life, but can you really blame me? I have been brought up that way, as have countless others. The slight open-mindedness I do possess today has been a direct consequence of my (I like to think) extensive reading, as well as my boyfriend, who constantly challenges my opinions and beliefs and forces me to think things I probably would never really think about.

I should stop typing this and finish typing up my chemistry project, the only real reason I actually am using my laptop this far into the school year with preboards so close but

If asked my honest opinion, I would say that I respect what people themselves believe in, and I promise you that it would not be a lie. However, I do still believe that characterization of one’s gender by what gonads are seen on them as they come out of the womb is a more effective classification, because the thought process (I’m guessing there is some thinking involved) that goes into deciding what gender you identify yourself with, and I would like to think that infants and toddlers are not capable of that… not yet, at least.

And maybe I am rather rude in what I stand by, but I do believe that the first and foremost duty of one’s sex is to procreate. What you do after that is, frankly, your business.

So, I am sorry if I offended anybody. Trust me when I say that that wasn’t my intention.

That’s it for this post, I suppose.

Ciao,
Sky xoxo.

 

 

 

Rant-y Post.

Yes, while I know that I have been away for simply too long to be deemed acceptable, I am going to get back into writing by posting a general rant about people and the annoying (or not so annoying? Maybe I am biased…) things they do.

Alright, maybe I should explain myself. I was in an awfully rare snippy mood today. I mean, I know I am short-tempered and extremely irritable generally, but I usually don’t let it show very, very much. I was a bit too much on edge today, retorting with biting remarks, muttering under my breath, and trying to not get up and punch the person in the fucking throat. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I had a splitting headache, and my hand felt ready to fall off any second.

Okay, so at recess, this girl who ALWAYS picks a fight with me even though I make an effort to not get in her way or anything, probably because I’m used to her and her stupid ways and I know straying across her is going to ruin my day more than it’ll hurt hers, provoked me again. I would go into an in-depth analysis of her character, but the truth is that she hates me for no discernible reason. That is literally it. No reason for her to hate me, yet she does. It was quite stupid, really; basically had her commenting loudly on how my food had been untouched and that the break was going to be over, and some out-of-place giggles to torment me for no reason! I should probably add that she’s the biggest two-faced person ever. She’s all friendly when she needs to ask me for my notes or if she’s stuck in a physics practical or something, but at other times, woah. She even picks fights with me and provokes me in front of our biology teacher! And it’s not like I am imagining this, no; other classmates agree that she goes out of her way to do this. So yeah, she got on my nerves.

I try so hard to be what I believe in, you know? I actively advocate forgiving and forgetting, I try not calling people out on shit they say, because I recognize that however flawed their opinion may be, but it still is their opinion, you know? Who knows, maybe they think  this way because they don’t know any better. And it isn’t right to disregard people’s opinions just because you disagree with them. Yes, sometimes theirs might not be the most morally correct of opinions, but sometimes you need to overlook things because it just isn’t worth it. I try to be kind, and I actively make an effort to be less angry and more nice. I generally help everybody, which is why a friend (who’s not that close anymore as she was to me maybe two years ago) still counts on me to write things for her projects. She’s not even in my stream…

It just really sucks that I have to put up with this unwanted shit even though I try so hard to not do things which might make me deserve it, but, well.

The second part of this post is devoted to something which isn’t even very important, but I have strong feelings for it, so.

A teacher I know joked about how our school is extremely strict when it comes to board exams and invigilating them, after remarking how good theirs is for the leniency they show to students. They actually let students cheat, in a fucking board exam! He was laughing about it, but I think he was semi serious. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t approve of cheating, and I don’t partake in it. I am guilty of telling some pestering classmates a few one word answers, but I have never copied off of someone, be it in a simple class test, or an exam.

I feel that cheating is not very nice, and that it shouldn’t be encouraged at all. Exams exist to test your existing knowledge in the subject, not to torment you. People who fail or get lesser marks must simply work harder to gain more proficiency in the subject. I know education isn’t a privilege, but to get taught in good schools by highly qualified teachers is nothing short of an excellent opportunity that everyone must make good of. Taking the whole thing for granted gets you nowhere.

While everyone was laughing in class, I cracked a reluctant smile. I did not wish to say anything on the matter, because I might’ve misinterpreted him and his sentiments. I am sorry if I sound too high and mighty or whatever (yes, I’ve been called this by a lot of people when I told them I would not help them in the test), but this just how I feel. This isn’t to offend anyone, just in case somebody does get offended!

Much love,
Sky xoxo.

P.S.: First term exams done. Wow, I am lucky I passed everything.