This post is part of a new series that I’m beginning, which is where I talk about things that are important and which have happened ever since I’ve been gone, which is almost two years. Not only will these contain updates, but I also want to talk about what’s important to me and what I think. Inevitably, the latter will take up a lot of space. I don’t particularly know what to name this series, but I think Important Happenings + Similar Ideas, or IH+SI for short, may be a good start.
Okay, so as the title says, this post is going to be all about my career and ambitions and how those have shaped up ever since I have been gone. I have been reading through my older posts and I realised that I was going through the process of applying to grad school for my master’s, and it’s strange because when I have started writing again this time around, I am once AGAIN applying to grad school – but this time, it’s for my PhD.
This is then a good time to talk about where my life is going careerwise. It has been abundantly clear to me and those around me since I was a little child, that I had big dreams and even bigger ideas of how I would realise them. When I was in fifth grade, I knew with astounding clarity that I wanted to be a doctor, like my father. By the time I was in seventh grade, I knew I wanted to be a neuropsychiatrist. I considered the idea of a neurosurgeon too, but psychiatry just appealed to me that much more. All of this surety continued all the way till I reached eleventh grade, when my life hit somewhat of a roadblock.
My JIA diagnosis came just as my tenth grade board exams got over.
I wrestled with a lot of tough decisions, including what I wanted to do. It was also at that time that I realised that I no longer wanted to go into medicine. Medicine is an applied science. I wanted to study the basic sciences. I wanted to now do research.
I honestly have been obsessed with the nervous system for as long as I can remember. I knew I wanted to study neuroscience by the end of eleventh, but didn’t get a chance to for my undergrad here in India (no real place offering that as a major that was within reach). Then I qualified a really fancy and kind-of-a-big-deal exam in my final year of undergrad, and had a real shot of going to the best place for doing neuroscience in India from a basic science perspective. But guess what? They never extended me an interview invite.
I chose to go on and study the next main goal on my agenda, and did a dual specialisation in biotechnology and bioinformatics after majoring in biotechnology for my undergrad. The tense in the last sentence is not completely correct, since I am still doing my last semester here, but I do think it was the right choice in the long run.
I know it doesn’t make the most sense, whatever I have been saying: why would I blather on and on about medicine and neuroscience only to talk about how I devoted my life up till now to biotech? Trust me when I say that it all comes together in the end. In some or the other way, I come back to neuroscience. Specifically, Alzheimer’s disease. I worked on something related to AD during my undergrad, and I am working on it now as a master’s student. It is something I am intensely passionate about, and would love to devote the rest of my life in understanding it better and contribute to developing better therapeutic strategies for it.
Now, here is where you need to add two and two together: I am interested in understanding the basic science aspect of the disease pathophysiology and progression in a way that allows for the coming together of better translational outcomes that benefits modern medicine and supports strategies that exist today in the treatment of Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias. It’s a pretty lofty goal, I admit: but doesn’t it explain perfectly what I’ve wanted all my life? First as a child, and now as a budding scientist? I believe it does.
This semester, I only have my research project and two other papers that only take place about twice a week. The rest of the week is spent on my research. Last semester was a shitshow – I spent a lot of time on my PhD applications, and the stress eating that I indulged in has led to me gaining like 15 pounds or about 7 kg.
It was a brutal time. No one prepares you for how tough life gets from one point to the next. They told us in school that you only need to study till twelfth grade, and that your life is easy sailing after that. Then they said the same for my undergrad. Then my masters. Now? It feels like a scam. I don’t want easy sailing. I want adequate preparation. The thing about having difficult and ambitious career objectives is that you don’t understand what you are getting into when you start. That was me last September. I only applied to schools in the US, because that is the country I wanted to move to for higher education. A lot of my peers applied to all over the world, but I was stubborn. On top of that, I only applied to some of the best American schools for the most competitive field in biology in what has been one of the most competitive applicant pools seen in a while. It was brutal. I only got an invitation to interview at one school. I guess it helped that it was one of my top choices. The sad part is that I have been all but rejected from my other options. The good part? I eventually got accepted at this place for a PhD in Neuroscience that is slated to begin later this year, in the fall. I was sad at first, but it helps to know that you don’t need interviews at every place you apply to – you only need one acceptance at the place you need to go to. It also helped that I only applied to the places I was most committed to. I guess it helps to have the reach/moderate/safety school breakdown to ensure more admits, but I only applied to the creme de la creme of the neuroscience/Alzheimer’s research world and I guess this outcome was expected.
I am supremely pumped to go where I have been admitted, and carry out cutting-edge neurodegenerative research like I have been dreaming of for so long. But it would’ve helped to get more admits. Granted, where I got in is one of the best places to do the kind of research I want to do, but I guess it would’ve lessened the sting. People have choices, you know? I only had the choice of going to grad school this year at this place, or not going at all. I guess that’s what hurts.
I was also the first person to know where they’re going for a PhD in my immediate friend circle. One of my roommates, MJ, and my boyfriend, PM, both got interviewed recently by a place they each applied for. MJ still hasn’t heard back but is hopeful, but PM was waitlisted and informed he most likely won’t be taken off the waitlist. He later found out that he’s at a disadvantage because of a lack of significant research experience, a problem that has affected all of us because of the pandemic. Other candidates were older and more experienced, but his heart still broke and consequently, so did mine. It hurts to see people not getting what they want, especially when they’re close to you and you want the best for them because you know they deserve it. I am hopeful, both for my future but also for my boyfriend and my roommate.
It helps to believe in better things for you. It has what has allowed me to dream bigger and bigger at every stage. It especially helps when you have the kind of background that I did, where I was convinced that I would never amount to anything in life. A chronic illness would do that to you. I am glad I kept going, and I am gladdened by it every single day. My academic trajectory so far proves that I have potential and that I can change the world. Let’s hope I soon do exactly that.
Love,
Sky xoxo
Paradoxical Sadness. 