Resurrection for the Umpteenth Time.

Hello, and I’m sorry!

I’m honestly really shitty at this whole consistency thing – it’s fairly obvious to any and all who take the time to notice, that I’m very messy and mostly all over the place. Just like I’ve been with this blog, my studying, my studygram (I started a studygram!), and goddammit, my fucking planner itself is testimony to the fact that I’m terrible at being organised and consistent.

Personality flaws aside, how have you guys been? I know some people have also drifted apart from blogging, but then again, I don’t blame them. However, I would love to reconnect with all those who have still maintained the habit against all odds!

Currently, I’m planning out tomorrow, and making a study/revision schedule. My mid semester exams start from the tenth of August, and I don’t think I’m confident about either one of my six papers for this term. Ergo, the need for the aforementioned schedule.

My excuses for vanishing are always almost completely useless, and I’m done defending myself from this fact. The reason I was not on and writing as much as I used to, was because I had other, better things to do.

Like study and procrastinate, and while my time away.

Honestly, the only good thing that has come out of that, is that I got the highest GPA in both semesters of my first year of college. Also, my studygram. Cannot forget the studygram. In fact, once I finish making my revision schedule, it’s going on the gram.

The song I’m currently listening to on repeat, is Love by Lana Del Rey. Other news in my life is that my sister is engaged to be married, my boyfriend has moved far, far away for his masters, and I’m still the nerd that I used to be. Sans the nerdy glasses (but only because I refuse to wear them).

More from me soon.

Love,

Sky. xo

P.S.: If you have an Instagram account, my studygram is @geneticklish. Do have a look around, maybe you’ll be enticed to follow it!

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Settling In? Probably Not.

The title ends on an interrogative note because it is supposed to reflect what my mind is thinking right now.

College has been, like it probably would have been anyway even if I had been more prepared for it (I lowkey was), extremely fucking tiring.

I have SO many lectures, I have so many lab periods, I have so many lab notebooks to then complete, and on top of that, THE NUMEROUS EXAMS. Here, is a list of them:

  1. First internal theory papers.
  2. Internal practical exams.
  3. External practical exams.
  4. Second internal theory papers.
  5. End Semester Examinations.

These are all conducted formally, and exclude any class tests that may be taken (we’ve had two thus far) and any assignments that we may be, well, assigned. Since it is the first semester of our very first year in college (eep), the professors think we are dunderheads who might find it a tad difficult to write assignments, hence they started us off with tests. They very quickly moved on to assignments, without really telling us how to go about it, making it clear soon enough that we gotta figure out the answers to all of our questions by our own selves.

(This is not to say that they would not help us if we go to them later, but I’m on my big exhausted angry tirade, okay? Please excuse me.)

AND THE PROCRASTINATION!

It is never ending.

But pardon me.

Me ranting about college (I was gonna type school, what the fuck) was not the objective of this post.

I have a weird headache and I wanted to type something here after ages of not doing so. The last post was in fucking August, can you believe that? Geez, I am swearing a tad too much. But this is not a new thing. I have started swearing more in college. I have made new friends and habits at college, which is not entirely a bad thing, I guess.

Anyway, the point of this post: highly unclear. Between downing Yakult (I finished my last bottle prior to beginning this post and I need more) like Americans down coffee (sorry for the stereotype), playing Cigarettes After Sex as I type whilst simultaneously admiring my nails, painted a rather bright shade of pink from two days ago; I feel weirdly at home, even if my mind’s haywire.

This blog is home.

And for some reason, I can’t fucking make myself come back and type here; can’t fucking make myself make myself feel better by indulging in one of the most therapeutic things in my life right now. And this is not me exaggerating, not for a second. I would probably be more over the place if this did not exist, whose presence a mere touch away oddly soothes the tsunami that my thoughts have become.

And honestly, I have no idea when I started talking that way, using so many commas and semicolons that sentences run into each other to become a jumble of words, like fucking mindless strung together letters of an alphabet I no longer recognize.

Perhaps this is happening because I suddenly have a weird fucking headache, that was not there an hour ago.

Perhaps this is so because I had finally made up my mind to study, interestedly looking over the properties of abscissic acid; an attitude differing hugely from the one I had donned when I woke this morning.

Perhaps this is happening this way this hour of this day, because I’ve held it inside for so fucking long that I have lost all semblance of what to expect when it is let out.

Whatever it is, the haze that temporarily blinded me and possessed me to write all that is clearing a little, and I am faced with the likelihood of me not publishing this post, after all. What a fucking shame.

I went back and added the latter part of the title just now.

No, this is not getting posted. (Think again!)

/I still love you, Paradoxical Sadness.

I really, really, really do.

21/10/17

02:41 am

//

Edit: I think this needs to be posted, even if it was written more than half a year ago.

24th July, 2018

03:54 am

Truth.

futility brings to our minds

a realm of incomprehensibility,

a world beyond our own,

teeming with impossibly innumerable

opportunities; for the soul, 

for the mind;

the divine power which governs 

you or i,

fails to hold when we touch,

my nerves ignite, and my only truth 

becomes you;

the sweet taste of your mouth 

on my tongue, the silk of your 

skin under my touch, the beauty

inherent in your eyes, as you 

silently ask me questions you 

would never dare to otherwise.

truth, is therefore relative

to frames of references, like a 

moving car on a moving planet,

or a stationary one on top of it.

my only truth, therefore, 

lies in when we lay, 

side by side.

×××××

17:56 pm//9.8.17.

Question: why do I write things like this? 

All Nighters and Feeling Dead.

Yes, my exams are on. 

In fact, I have a Botany paper in 8 hours and 22 minutes from exactly now. 

There are four units, and I’ve completed two thus far. For people not in India, the time currently is 4:39 am. I will complete the one I’m on currently, hopefully by 5:30. Then wake up by 7:30 to 8 and do the remaining one, which, might I add, is the longest unit out of all of them and I’ve never studied it before. 

Wow, I’m so not excited to get fucked in the morning by the unspectacular range of plant diversity in lower organisms! But seriously, I need help. I was up till 5:30 the previous day as well, because I had my Chemistry paper.

I’m tired as fuck! 

Thankfully, my last paper, Biostatistics, is on Monday, so after I come back, I can nap to my heart’s content. Oh, what a joy it is, to sleep. 

Gonna sign off now. Morphology, whilst not that difficult, still needs to be revised for me to be able to write something in the paper, 8 hours, 16 minutes from now. 

Ugh.

A very disgruntled college(!) kid,

Sky.

100

Edit: this is republished because it got deleted. 

This feels weirdly exhilarating, for the primary reason that something that has brought me this much joy has not been left (completely) in the middle of nowhere as opposed to various such activities. (Read: the 4 different blogs I made and tried to write on.)

100 posts might not mean much to some of the more experienced writers and bloggers who read and follow my blog, but to me, it means everything. It also makes me a little sad that I’ve only just reached a hundred. But then again, measure quality, and not quantity. 

It’s peculiar how things end up returning to where they were initiated. (Conservative force comes to mind).

I started this blog as an outlet for the sadness I felt then; it slowly has returned to being the same for the sadness I house still. 

With the random bits of writing I would never dare to show to anyone (yet is still seen by my ENGLISH LITERATURE STUDYING BOYFRIEND). 

Moving on.

I haven’t posted on this darling in a while, and for that I am deeply sorry. Writing again after ages truly feels like being at ease, and therefore is going to be a habit I’m excited about culminating again.

This was supposed to be an appreciation post, so here it is: 

I’m truly grateful for my blog, for all the nice people I’ve met through my blog, and the nice people I continue to meet. 

As for you, Paradoxical Sadness, you’ve been the greatest gift that 2015 brought in. 

Love,

Sky.

P.S.: That moment when you realise you now refer to your blog as a tangible living thing is when you know you need sleep very badly.

Whole.

and perhaps in that night

when we looked to the sky,

and were faced with a truth

our hearts couldn’t deny,

and our minds couldn’t comprehend;

perhaps then i could have

moved to persuade you,

attempted to dissuade you,

from your self righteous destruction

of what you knew and,

thought could continue to know.

but i am powerless against

the cacophony of voices,

that block out my own

meek speech, but I wish

I could do something —

anything;

if not for you, then

to make myself feel whole again.

4:09 am// 6/8/17.

Results and Things.

So, the board my school is affiliated to (CBSE), released the results of 12th standard’s boards on Sunday, i.e., the 28th of May. I spent my time being a wreck from Tuesday to Sunday. Why? Because the results were apparently going to come out on the 24th (Wednesday), and everyday, it said the results would come the next day.

There was another problem afoot, apart from the delayed dates. CBSE apparently suddenly decided to scrap their system of moderation of marks, and this created an uproar in the country. Naturally. Some parent took the case to Delhi’s High Court, and the HC ruling directed CBSE to continue with the system for this year’s marks, and to put this new policy in effect from next session. This led to reports which speculated that CBSE is going to appeal against HC’s ruling in the Supreme Court, but thankfully, this was not the case.

Now, I went to bed on Saturday pretty early, because I was pretty tired. I have no idea how that happened, but the only explanation that comes to mind is that stressing out over yet to be announced results is a lot of work. Then, I kept waking up at frequent intervals of twenty to thirty minutes right from early morning till the time the results actually got put up online. I refreshed the results page exactly twice, then promptly went back to sleep when I saw nothing.

I finally got up at ten something, and I saw the results were on. Then, I tried accessing my result after putting in all my details, but the thing was not happening. My cousin was opening it on his laptop, and the moment I saw it did happen, I snatched the laptop screaming, “I WILL SEE IT FIRST!”

Well, then I saw what I scored in Physics, Chemistry, and Biology, and started screaming.

My marks are pretty nice, actually:

English: 87
Math: 73
Physics: 95
Chemistry: 94
Biology: 95

This was more than I thought I’d get!

Yes, even for math! I left the two biggest chapters for the math paper, and I was pretty sure I’d get just above the passing scores. Taking that into account, this was pretty good. The thing I am most sad about is English, though.

Well, now, I’ve been filling up college forms, and hoping I get accepted somewhere decent. There is this one college I really want to get in, and the results for that should be up by next week. I’m kinda stressed about that.

There’s nothing all that new going on in my life, apart from the results. People now think I am very smart (95 in physics??????), and I don’t bother with correcting them. Good for me. Let people think I am smart. Haha!

I do have things to do, but I am way too lazy to. I teamed up with this American girl to write a HP fanfic, but I was so lost amongst all the stress that I didn’t write my part of the thing, and I’ve since been trying to avoid her online. I do need to do that, and I want to, as well; but inspiration is a fickle thing.

I wanted to join the British Library we have in my city, but the college I really want to go to (the one I talked about above), is in another city. And my parents aren’t the go-to-the-library-and-fangirl-about-books-and-issue-them-and-actually-read-them kind, so the membership would kind of be a waste. Again, because all the colleges I’ve applied to are in other cities, excluding just one.

I think I NEED to start writing more now, what with having the time to, so I think I will do more of that. I have seen and read more new things, so maybe I could do reviews for those. Who knows.

I ALSO FINALLY BOUGHT ANNA KARENINA AND I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

So, that’s it. I also beat my grandmother in a game of chess today, based on a technicality. I felt smart, but I think she said she lost to make me happy. Well.

That’s it for today, though I do hope to write more soon!

Love,
Sky. xoxo